Kelly Lyman at Kelly's Compositions is hosting a First Page Blogfest and I'd hoped to squeeze in right at the deadline. This entry is from my wip, Wishful Thinking, which has three scenes to go.
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Aurelie scanned the sides of the road stretching before her, seeking the perfect tree. Only the best would do. A stout tree for hand-crafted Aston Martins weren't made of fiberglass and spit. She needed elegant. Evergreen. She wrapped her slender fingers around the leather steering wheel, feeling the powerful engine purr as she accelerated. The DB9 handled like no other car. A pity it needed to be sacrificed.
The swick-flick of windshield wipers brushing away steady raindrops did not distract from her task. Her focus rested entirely on her mission. She wondered, when the end came, if it would hurt, if she would feel any pain. That was partly why she wanted a big tree. Aurelie didn't want to linger in agony, hovering between life and death for a minute longer than necessary. Just get it over with.
A glance at the speedometer showed her cruising at forty miles per hour. A little slow for that stretch of road if anyone else joined her. So far, Aurelie had encountered only oncoming traffic and even those instances had been sporadic. Rush hour and its relentless traffic had been long gone, those worker bees tucked into bed with their night lights on. Where Aurelie drove, closer to the mountains, the road wound through miles of pine trees interspersed with open plats. Two lanes of meandering asphalt ferrying the souls who desired gainful employment in the bigger cities without sacrificing aesthetics. She wondered whether they realized how much of their souls had been traded long ago, how much informed consent they had given.
10 comments:
Ooo, I like! There is so much potential in here. So many ways this story could be headed. I would definitely keep reading to find out what is driving her to think of killing herself.
This is excellent. I love the comment about informed consent. You have me worried about her, wondering about her, and hoping she's not going to hit that tree! On top of that, I want to read more!
Depressing...but in a good way. :) And I really like the sentence "Two lanes of meandering asphalt ferrying the souls who desired gainful employment in the bigger cities without sacrificing aesthetics." Good stuff!
Charity ~ Glad you like and would keep reading!
Catherine ~ As I was writing the first time, I gave away too much and chose to scale it back for a little more suspense. Good to see it's working.
KM ~ =) Good depressing, I get what you mean. I've cringed a few times while writing the whole thing.
Thanks for stopping by and commenting =) I appreciate all the feedback I can get.
Oh, I really like this. You paint a vivid scene and character. I'm hooked.
I'm hooked! I like her voice and I really want to know why she's doing it. My favorite line (which is what hooked me): The DB9 handled like no other car. A pity it needed to be sacrificed.
Great job and thanks for participating.
Very intriguing! My only speed-bump (no pun intended) is the line "A stout tree for hand-crafted Aston Martins weren't made of fiberglass and spit."
The sentence structure initially made me wonder "a stout tree was for hand-crafted Aston Martins?"
It'd be easy to clarify this by adding a comma ("A stout tree, for hand-crafted Aston Martins..."), and/or using "because" or "as" ("A stout tree, because hand-crafted Aston Martins...").
Great job -- and a big thumbs-up for using an Aston Martin! ;-b
It is a sad truth that you usually have the first sentence, at most, the first paragraph to hook an agent's or editor's interest. Don't do that, and you find yourself rejected. Ouch!
Congrats. You succeeded in such an interesting way that I believe not just me, but agents, will be drawn into your novel.
"Two lanes of meandering asphalt ferrying the souls who desired gainful employment in the bigger cities without sacrificing aesthetics."
Great line. How many people do you know that use "aesthetics" in their everyday talk? I love that line, that word even. I think agents would love your line more with another more universally accessible word. Most of the people who will read our novels, once they are published, will not be as well educated or as aesthetically minded as we.
Just a thought. Come check out my first page which is purposefully purplish. The protagonist was born in 1799, and his way of thought is more literary than the no-nonsense, crisp, direct culture with which he finds himself in a doomed struggle. It is an intentional foreshadowing of why he finds himself in what many would consider a senseless conflict.
Have a healing weekend, Roland
Tara - thanks so much for reading. So glad you liked =)
Kelly - thank you for reading and for hosting such a fun contest! If I could afford any car, the DB 9 Volante would be it.
Bryan - /face palm =) there is supposed to be a comma right where you pinpointed. Thanks for catching it for me and for reading and liking!
Roland - thank you for taking the time to really look at this page and to identify with what I am hoping to portray. Glad you liked and I will take your well thought out comments into consideration.
Really good writing! I enjoyed the style of this piece. I liked the edginess of the character. Great beginning.
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